


Cost

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 13:19:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8802373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Being partnered with Tommy Lynley was the best thing that had ever happened to Barbara Havers, but sometimes she felt it was also the worst





	

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I bit my bottom lip to fight the unshed tears that were stinging my eyes. Even after all these years I didn’t like to show my emotions, but sometimes they crept up on me. This was one of those occasions.

The case had been a difficult one, the death of a child, and it had put both Tommy and I through the wringer. We had invested every waking hour and all our energies into tracking down the person responsible; the downside of that being that we had been exhausted and short tempered, and we took our frustrations out on each other; now we weren’t talking unless it was in a professional capacity, and even then it was as brief and to the point as possible.

I ran my fingers through my hair and continued to write up my report while Tommy briefed Hillier. I wanted to go home, lock the door and cry myself to sleep, but the paperwork had to be completed. I hoped that Tommy would be away long enough for me to put the report on his desk and leave without having to see him. I didn’t feel up to dealing with his monosyllabic grunting or another row.

The gods, or whoever, had smiled on me, and I had managed to escape the office without having set eyes on Tommy. The drive home had given me time to think, too much time in fact, and I was now feeling even more distraught than I had been earlier.

I slammed the front door shut behind me and, not bothering to turn on any lights, made my way through to the bedroom. I hoped that Tommy wouldn’t try and contact me, I really didn’t want to see or speak to him tonight.

I flopped down onto the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. I knew why this case had hit me so hard, and why Tommy’s behaviour had hurt me so much, but admitting it to myself was hard. Admitting it meant facing up to what my life had become.

When I was at school, before Terry had died and my family had crumbled to dust, I had great plans for my future. I wanted what most people wished for, a partner, children, a home and a career to be proud of. I didn’t want to change the world, just find my place in it. None of that had happened.

I was content in my role as a detective sergeant with the Metropolitan Police, but it had taken me a long time to get there; not really feeling as if I belonged until I had been partnered with Tommy. Our partnership had been the making of me professionally but, if I were completely honest, had destroyed me personally.

Before I had met Tommy I had no friends. I was trying to look after my parents and hold down a job. I was bitter, angry and resentful, with a hair-trigger temper. Tommy changed that. The Eighth Earl of Asherton turned out to be the one person that I could work with, confide in, and rely on; and I did the same for him. What I didn’t expect to do was fall in love with him, but I did.

I tried dating other people, signing up for a dating agency and meeting some of my matches, but my heart wasn’t really in it because it already belonged to someone else, it already belonged to Tommy.

I resigned myself to forever being his friend.

Because I could never love anyone else, I knew that I would never marry, I would never have the family that I had once dreamed of. Most of the time I could live with that; but then something would come along to remind me, and it was almost as if the emotions rugby tackled me to the floor. 

Cases involving children were one of my ‘triggers’.

It sickened me when a child was hurt or killed; even more so when a parent was responsible. These people didn’t deserve to have children; didn’t they know how lucky they were? A child was a precious gift, one that should be loved, treasured and cared for. There were people in the world who wanted children, who would give almost anything to be a parent. People like me. Yet we never got our dearest wish, but people who shouldn’t be left in charge of a goldfish seemed to collect children like some people bought takeaways!

Now the tears did start, and I rolled over to bury my face in my pillow. There was no point in trying to stop them, I needed to release the emotions somehow. I knew that once I had calmed down and repackaged my feelings Tommy and I would resolve things, we always did. I would go back to being Barbara Havers, his ever-loyal friend, and he would never know just how much I sacrificed in order to be that.


End file.
